Day 70- Being a Twenty Something Nothing

Hi there, friend. 

It’s been awhile.

 

It’s been some time since I’ve last updated, and you might have noticed that this has become a habit.
Unfortunately, I’ve come to the realization that my goal of blogging every day for 100 days is never going to happen.
There are a few reasons for this which I will discuss at the end of this entry.
However, on a more erratic note I want to talk to you about something very dear to my later eccentric memoirs:
That is, what it is like to be a twenty something nothing in 2013.

You’ve probably read about my generation having the neurotic disorder of thinking that we are all unique, magical unicorns. This apparently causes cataclysmic tissue box exploitation when we realize that we unfortunately fall short of our special unicorn expectations. Ie: Our delicate psyches crumble when we find out that only through years and years of hard work, slugging through menial, demeaning labor such as the trolls atop the mountains of a securely nestled Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardary, can we ever hope to have the economic prosperity we know we deserve.

Okay, okay. First of all, yeah, I’m gonna say there is a lot of entitlement sentiment going on. However, I’m not sure if this is necessarily typical of my generation, or if it’s just typical of people making the real transition of kid to grown-up.
What? Dad doesn’t want to pay my medical bills anymore?
I have to pay back my student loans?
I have to schedule my own car mechanic?

It’s a violent, uncomfortable transition. Bills go unpaid (How does one organize monthly payments?); you forget to give your car an oil change(it’s a special day when I can put more than $15 of gas in at a time anyway); you start avoiding the dentist because it’s been so long you know they will have something to fill (can’t afford it)… Often even I get angry about having all the bills that I do. I catch myself thinking, “if I was born into a rich family I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit. I’m 23- I’m too young to declare bankruptcy- it’s not fair!!!”
I laugh when my friends of more notable income complain about having to pay half of their phone bill or insurance. Their families still pay their medical, school, and clothing expenses.
That stopped for me in high school.
And yet, I still had this idea that I was only a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. Sooner or later, I was going to graduate, get an excellent job (doing god knows what, since I still can’t decide what I want to do), and finally escape the place where the incoming flow of toilet paper is haphazard at best.
So years later, what has happened?
I guess for awhile, I really did believe I was a special, magical unicorn- that my special, unique skill set would set me apart and my path would be clear. That has made it all the much harder to come to terms with the fact that I still have no fucking clue what I am going to do with my life.
And I think that’s where a lot of people my age are.

They could be like me: working in a burger joint, desperately trying to graduate, not knowing what will happen when and if I do. I am doing menial labor and all it seems to do is stagnate my life so where I am at all times is stuck.
It is shattering.
I was a merit scholar, honor’s society member, international thespian. I was something. And now that I’m 23, I’m kind of nothing.
I take orders at a restaurant and people treat me like that is the sum amount of my humanity- taking down whether or not they’d like green leaf or iceberg lettuce.
It kills me because despite all my pandering, I really do have a high opinion of myself. I know I have some talents and I know that time is ticking away on my window to clear a path with them.
This is what it is to be a twenty something nothing- because in the eyes of the public- I am nothing. I am just another person existing in their universe, consuming their oxygen. It’s like there is no place for me.
Being a twenty something nothing is essentially like watching Rocky training montages- you’re all pumped up and inspired- with no where to go, no Russian to punch in the face. I can’t jump rope my way to victory and I don’t have Mickey in my ear saying “GET UP YOU BASTARD!”
See I could live with making a shit income if I knew that what I was doing was going to pay off in the long run. I could hang in there, knowing that what I was doing made a difference. I could even manage it if only I knew that one day it was all going to make sense- but I don’t, and know I’m coming to understand that who I think I should be and who I want to be, may never add up with who I actually am.
I am a twenty something nothing.

Why Bree hasn’t been updating like she said she would, naughty, naughty girl:
First off, my schedule simply doesn’t permit it. I never have the same schedule every week, nor do I know where I am going to be doing from day to day, or sometimes where I will be sleeping. I’m not still not quite moved in with my Dad and I live part time with my boyfriend and his parents, my aunt, my grandparents and of course my dad. It’s all very hectic.

Second, it’s kind of a shitty idea to publish something every day. Even if I had a set routine, I am still battling my own whims. Let me tell you, it’s not such a good thing to put every thing you write out into the universe for people to see. I have days when I write better than others, and while I believe I should write every day, every single damn day, I have realized that not every day will I have something worthy of publishing.

Third, the pressure to publish nightly is actually causing me to avoid doing the task altogether. Once I got behind, it felt like I could never catch up. What was the point if I wasn’t going to reach my goal?

So here we go again. I have to change things up.
I am going to continue to write every day.
But I am DEFINITELY NOT going to publish every day.
No no no no no no.

Instead, updates will happen on Sunday and Thursday evenings, which will probably translate to early Monday and Friday mornings.

On another note, I am still and have been, keeping up with my banned books list.
So in the next few days I will be updating my blog with various titles and my wonderful experiences with their smutty, lovable texts.
And that’s really all for now; just fighting to keep my dreams alive.
Eye of the Tiger style.

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