All the lounging about I have been doing in the past two days has given me opportunity to look back on my behavior and actions of the past few weeks. I can’t say that I’m really impressed with myself. I naturally find myself in various downward cycles of rage and/or depression and/or self-loathing, but recently I have become less inclined to put up with myself.
A lot of has to do with all the reading and working I’ve been doing lately. A lot has to do with moving home and desperately wishing to see something brighter happening up in the beautiful beyond known as my future.
However, as I mentioned, I’ve had a serious relapse.
I get really caught up in self-loathing narcissism, that it’s really hard to see the bigger picture. And I really don’t want to be that asshole who is so caught up in their own personal problems, that I can’t see what is going on around me.
So thusly I present, 3 reasons why I’m kind of an asshole and what I can do about it:
1.) I have literally whined about taking care of my grandma with CNS Lymphoma.
I think I should really reiterate here. My grandma has the cancer, not me. And not only has she been a mother figure to me, she’s also the matriarch of my entire family, and the glue that gives me stability. Maybe you have a similar experience. Maybe you take care of loved one(s), or a pet, or I don’t know, your genetic, heinous, hell brood. And you’re thinking, “holy shit, I’m fucking tired,” or “I have to change my personal habits to care for this person.” And it sucks. I will give you that. And at a certain point you only have so much to give.
What I’m suggesting is not necessarily a whole mind warp change of attitude. What you have to do is doubtlessly tiring and frustrating.
But put on your war paint.
For me, it means going to bed early when I have care for my grandma and work in the same day. It means packing food and clothing in advance and mentally preparing myself for all the things I have to do. And yeah, it means putting off things that I need to do for a later date.
You don’t have to be overflowing with joy and love. You just have to do what you have to do with determination.
You “make do and mend,” you “keep calm and carry on,” and remind yourself that it’s only for the duration.
Nothing lasts forever.
I’m not saying that it’s okay to be miserable, but sometimes, having a joyful heart is not possible. And for those times: after you’ve had your glass of wine and your tissue overuse: quit your whining, set your head on straight, and persevere.
I’m trying to find some harmony in my emotions between, “I’m up shit creek without a fucking canoe,” and “I’m so lucky to have this last time with my grandma,” and “She is my grandma, this is my responsibility.”
For me, the only way to do that is to put on my shit boots, find an umbrella and muck through. Nothing lasts forever.
2. I am a sloth that thinks it’s owed something
I can sit for days on end doing absolutely nothing before I finally get disgusted enough with myself to be motivated to I don’t know, sit upright.
I really hate it when people say “oh you deserve a lazy day,” or “give yourself a break.”
No one actually deserves anything. The universe is a random, awkward place. You don’t get to be a non-contributing member of society for 48 hours without consequence. You also don’t get to buy things or eat things that you “deserve” without consequence.
You don’t become a good person when you let your mind shut off for extended vacations. I don’t. I become not too terribly concerned with others and if I do it long enough, I become not too terribly concerned with my own well being.
Just STAHP. Go out and move, go out and create, go out and learn, go out and work. Just do something else besides hanging out.
Remind yourself that the world does not owe you anything, it was here first. Follow through with what you say you’re going to do.
3.) I pay way too much attention to people who don’t matter
Some people say that I am a terrible person for my hatred of others- since I actually think there are some people out there that don’t matter, but I think that’s pretty blase. I hate people because either I don’t know them, or they make terrible life decisions and act like walking scrotum boils. That doesn’t make me a terrible person, that is just who I am. I will totally reformulate an opinion on someone if it becomes necessary.
I am a terrible person however, for letting people who I know don’t care for me or only want to be around me so they can get something from me, be a part of my life. And what usually happens is my frustration from dealing with these people, boils over to people that do matter; then they have to live with the consequences of my mismanaged attention.
I internalize it all until I become useless, writhing mush, incapable of being an adult. And that has to stop. It’s not okay to be so affected by the actions of other people that you become a douchebag too. STAHP.
So here is this blog update summed up:
1.) If you have to do something hard, forgive yourself for not being joyful about it and put on your war paint.
2.) Don’t let yourself believe that you “deserve” to be a lazy fuck; keep moving; keep moving; keep moving.
3.)Remind yourself of who matters and who doesn’t.
That’s all. Granted, tomorrow I may need another wine/whine binge so be careful not to believe I am 100% awesome at recovering from any of my terribleness.