Yes, yes, I am incredibly behind on updates.
Shame of the centuries.
Mantle of poo upon me.
However, in other celebratory news, this is my 75th post on this blog! 75! Even though this only day 66 of my “I’mma blog every day for 100 days,” goal.
So yes! 75 posts! And I’m almost two weeks behind in updating!
I was going to write about the topic I had written down for this day, (it would have been the 24th of July), but now I feel rather compelled/inspired to talk to you about my fat, lazy self.
(Go here and read this blog/comic/awesome load of words if you really love yourself because it is as funny as bacon is delicious:
I love the Oatmeal, and especially that update- because it so accurately describes why a person has to keep moving. Ie: To keep the blerch at bay. Also godzilla flips off giant Japanese hornets. What could be better?
However, to avoid plagiarism and for my own personal satisfaction, I am going to rename the Blerch to a more personal description of who I become in my most heinous moments of apathy, laziness and indifference.
May I present: the ERGH.
This is a sound I make when I am literally too lazy to move, but my eyes are melting from looking at the computer screen, my legs have not received any ounce of blood that day, and it feels I’m forming blood clots in my ass. I’m so lazy, it has literally become more uncomfortable to remain motionless then it would be to get up and move, BUT I STILL DO NOT MOVE MY ASS.
I truly believe no one should ever be this lazy, but yet, here we are.
I am seem to be sucked up in this vicious pattern:
1.)I get so busy doing all the things- and for awhile this is fun! It feels good to be busy! Look at me being an adult taking care of these things!
2.)Then I take on just a little bit too much.
3.)I start becoming angry that I have so much to do! I just want a break!
4.)I become an angry blob of my feelings eating.
5.)Two things can happen at this stage, either a: My schedule miraculously gives me a break (if so go to step 6) or b: I start miraculously forgetting things, oversleeping and avoiding tasks that are actually not eligible for selective service.
6.) I become a living vegetable. My computer hums away for hours, overheating. I watch reruns of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “New Girl.”
I may even devolve into “True Blood,” or god forbid, ABC Family channel programming. I scour Ebay and Etsy for things I will never buy and read Craiglists posts of people to make me feel better about myself. I move only for two things: “I’ve held my bladder so long I think I might actually not make it to the bathroom,” and “since I’ve been sitting all day, it seems only logical that I should also eat AND sit all day.” There are pressing matters that I must attend to. I am reminded by friends and family. But ERGH whispers seductively, “In a minute.”
7.)The ERGH is beginning to win. She thinks she can make my butt into one giant hemorrhoid. I cry out and attempt to move, but my head hurts and my arms hurt and my butt has cleverly stolen the oxygen away from my numb, lifeless, leg slabs. I go to sleep.
8.) Recycle steps 4-7. Avoidance and depression emerges.
9.) Eventually I have to go to work, or the putting off of some task jeopardizes my well being or relationships. It has become obvious enough that I’m actually embarrassed about it. I have become an obscene, obnoxious weirdo: I make pterodactyl noises and refuse to brush my hair. I haven’t left the magical dirt of 2 day old pajamas-for-clothes-as-well-as-for-sleep. I latch on to my boyfriend and bite, bite, bite while I crawl on him like a howler monkey.
But finally, I have to go work. And I have to do all those tasks I put off.
10.)Start again at number 1.
Currently I am at number 9. This whole moving back home thing has been a colossal pain in the ass. I have an electric bill I am 6 days behind in shutting off. I still haven’t organized my room so I’m living at my boyfriend’s while stopping off at my dad’s to rummage for clean socks and underwear.
I have had two days off in a row for the first time in a very long time, and I promised myself, nay SWORE that I would be an adult and accomplish these things.
And here I am.
Does my brain have any oxygen at all? Probably not. MY ASS ATE IT.
It was doing so many things that needed all my life force! Like sitting, and more sitting.
ERGH- I hate you.
This blog is one of the many things that I just couldn’t bring myself to do. I feel really bad about it. This blog is supposed to help me, and to give me some accountability.
I have a kitten now that needs love and evil minion training.
I have work and my grandma and college stuff.
I need to be an adult.
But please, just one more episode of the “New Girl?”