So this update is going to be a little softer hit than yesterday; I really don’t need to give people verbal smackdowns every day.
However, we’re still going to be on the subject of religion.
Yesterday I felt fueled to update my blog with a post called “Out of the Broom Closet,” which was my coming out story of why I am no longer a Christian. I was partially ablaze from fury over stupid things I had seen on facebook or random web forums, and just felt compelled to talk about it. It’s also been an issue for me of late because I have been around my family more, and as I have said previously, they stray on the landmine of both right wing politics and conservative Judeo-Christian beliefs.
And as I thought, there was a small fallout yesterday because some people thought I was being a little heavy handed with my descriptions of Christians. And that’s a fair point. I never want to chastise people about their beliefs to the point where they don’t feel comfortable having a discussion with me. I don’t want to persecute. I certainly don’t believe that every Christian is some bumbling, backwoods, hypocritical idiot. Most of them are at heart, generous and loving. It’s just that sometimes what they say does not match who they actually are.
I just needed to express my personal reasons for why I cannot accept Christianity for my own.
Now I’m not posting this to get out of any fallout or criticism. Discussion is fine, I just don’t want people to unnecessarily have their feelings hurt.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin though, because I cannot express my personal beliefs with people I love, for fear of losing their trust and esteem.
For example, I can’t explain to a loved one why a certain situation at work felt like gender discrimination. She wanted to know why I was so excited about quitting, but I couldn’t explain to her that a corporate member had outright told me that I was hired based on my sex. His reasoning was that females are good with children, are good at organizing and cleaning, and bring in that special vibe of womanness. He went on to say about how emotional women are at work though, and that was why we also needed men to counteract us.
Apparently, he felt that women were incapable of leading as well because no female was ever chosen for management positions, despite having superior abilities to their male counterparts.
However, if I were to tell this to the aforementioned loved one, she would use the scripture to tell me of how women are the weaker vessel. She would use the scripture to tell me that as a female, my natural inclination was to nurture and keep up a home for my family. So that idiot from corporate would have been completely in the right to go on and on with his gender dichotomy bullshit. The only way for me to get out of that would be for me to refute the scripture… and that simply cannot be done… unless I am willing to sacrifice the bonds I have with her.
I feel like a traitor in the camp at every family gathering.
I am Benedict Arnold bowing my head to pray in the prayer circle- hoping that nobody opens their eyes and sees me staring uncomfortably at the ground.
I am the black sheep.
And do I turn away from my beliefs when they discuss politics and religion, which for them are interchangeable? Or do I voice my fervor, only to be smacked down with a scripture I don’t believe in, but can’t fight against in fear of outing myself?
And if I do try to find a foothold in the scripture and make an argument for my case, will they see that my advance is purely academic and not endowed by the Holy Spirit?
What can I do? I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to think my rejection of the gospel is a rejection of their influence. I don’t want to make them to believe that I am attacking their beliefs just because I can’t make them my own.
Even my dad who I am the closest to, said he felt like I was turning my back on my upbringing when I told him I was not a believer anymore.
That’s pretty crushing.
Here I stand, letting my secret out in small whispers- hoping that the wind will drown me out.
I feel like the only thing I can do is sit and wait. I join hands in prayer because it gives them comfort. I think, “if only I could believe, then I could be one of them again.”
But who am I kidding? For me it is that gentle goodnight. I will rage against it.
And ever so magically, as if to reaffirm my anger from yesterday, today I went to a Bible book store with my aunt and found this magic little gem:
Why any self respecting Christian would think that is good message to send out into the universe, is beyond me. But hey, refute science, commercialize and dogmatize faith and you have a super easy path to exploit that God and Jesus Fellows Fan Club.
It sends such a positive moral message: “HEY YOU! STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PLANET AND POLLUTION AND RECYCLING. FOCUS ON YOUR FEAR OF DAMNATION SO YOU CAN INSIST ON LIVING IN A STATE OF CONSTANT TERROR AND SIMULTANEOUSLY TAKE IT OUT ON EVERYONE AROUND YOU!”
It’s so much more important to be thinking about your religion then your impact on earth.
It’s so important to make sure people turn to Judeo-Christian faith not out of the understanding and acceptance of the teachings of Christ, but because they fear a so called “loving” god is going to fry them on a burning lake of fire for fucking eternity.
Yeah. And I was doing so well trying to be diplomatic.