Day 25- Hate and War are Bad Words but Fuck Isn’t

‘Nother Judy Blume book on the way. 

This time it’s “Forever,” which I have read before of course- because what girl/boy shouldn’t read Judy Blume? She’s fabulous. 

It’s still a little difficult to get my mind off of O’Brien though. It’s all I’ve thought about today while I was busy running errands, paying bills and going to work. 

Some stories latch onto your heart. 

I’ve been thinking, thinking, thinking, about all the things I want to do and see. 

I want to disconnect from the world and take black and white photographs. 

I want summer to mean something innocent and full of wonder. 

And at the same time, I just want to resist this everyday life; pull back from people and go into the ghost world of Vietnam or Korea. It’s a very unsavory wish- to become part of the earth, to breath death and to be death. 

 

But here I am again, back in my room lit with a pink lantern. A little fragile from knee surgeries and ovarian cysts and a general physical ineptitude. A semi-scholar reading Judy Blume. I get the shame of not being strong enough.

I’m like the main character in this book who can’t be firm in her no’s. I’ve let men push me around in my past. In a sense that drains on your total image of self worth. How could I ever be anybody? How could I ever fight anything? How could I ever be brave or go to war  if I can’t even say no to something that makes me uncomfortable?

 

Is it too late for me? Do you have to be born into courage? Or do you create your own?

Advertisements

Leave Breeness Some Wordage

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s