Day 19- Self Induced Dementia

I’m pretty sure I’m making myself crazy.

Although I started the day out hopeful that I would accomplish and soar to new heights, I most sadly, did not do that, at all.

In fact, what I did do, was sleep in til 2pm, found out that I am getting sued for a medical bill from 2011 and then in panic tried to scrounge up all the paperwork I have to make sure none of my other bills defaulted past collections. Yes, most of my bills are at the collection stage. It’s pretty miserable. They all have a minimum payment of $25 a month… so what I do is not pay any of them because $25 makes the difference on whether I can afford gasoline for a week or not.

I know a lot of my woe is brought on my by poor spending habits and not keeping track of my bills, but I honestly don’t know how I can be held accountable for all these bills. And yes, they are ALL medical bills. I am a college student working minimum wage jobs. They bill collector told me I should take out a loan, or ask my family to pay it for me. Yes, because as a college student, I have the ability to take out loans with no assets. Of course my family has just $1570 laying around for my disposal! Why didn’t I think of that?!

Now besides that bill I have four other bills above $300 that require minimum payments of $25 a month.
I have my phone, car insurance, gasoline, food, rent and general living expenses that are somehow magically going to get paid too, I imagine.

Today has been a pretty depressing day. I don’t know why I’m sharing it in cyberspace for all to see my inadequacies, but I felt like if I didn’t say something to someone, I could possibly actually convince myself the dying was a much better alternative.

I also did the thing I did not want to do, which was apply for food benefits. (Who describes food as a “benefit?” really? I have 3 cans of tuna, 1 can of sardines, a box of instant oatmeal, and half a package of bacon to my name. I realize that it’s a lot more than some people, but when those steely luster lacking tins of tuna are staring me down for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it makes me feel like Dolph Lundgreen is capitalism and here I am just getting punched to death while Rocky, the proletariat just watches, helpless.

I know how people feel about other people on food stamps.

In the past, when I have supported general populace welfare programs, I have received a lot of hateful comments about how I’m the reason why our economy is so bad, I’m the reason for the ruination of our country, and other variations of “you don’t deserve to breath air.”

So I am, needless to say, super excited about moving forward with this part of my life.

I am really looking forward to hearing about the terrible person I am.

It would be nice to be able to afford a gallon of milk though.

I feel worse because I have been on them before. After my mom left, my dad supported my sister and me while finishing his undergraduate degree to be a teacher. We were broke, but I still remember the looks people gave us. I feel pretty bad about it even now.
Of course, I may not even qualify.

Some people say “move back home!”
That doesn’t really help my problem though. My dad’s house is way out in the country, and I am actually serious when I say that the amount of gas I use getting to work would equal my rent, plus put a lot of wear and tear on my car, which of course, I cannot afford to replace. And haha, no. Buses don’t run out there in BFE.

I just wish I could “get off my lazy ass and find a job,” like all those Republicans are telling me to do. Maybe all the judgement I’m going to receive is the universe paying me back for judging those ponderous, adipose-excessive people and their bovine children.

On the positive side, I did finish a chapter of “The Things They Carried,” as well as clean out my car. (I needed to, to find my late notice bills.) So at least I accomplished something. I have work the rest of this week and weekend, so I don’t really know when I will get anything else done.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the next couple months, but for now, it’s enough that I have electricity, a place to sleep and this pulchritudinous, internet connection.

That word sounds like something a pterodactyl… or a German would say.


One Comment Add yours

  1. jackie says:

    Yikes! I had no idea you were in such a cluster. Dont worry about the food stamps, who cares? It’s obvious anyhow based on your bill issues that having a little help would be a beneficial thing. one piece of advice….if you call on the medical bills you can often hold off collections by making arrangements to pay even $5 a month for awhile…..just a thought. OH, yes….and if you ever seem to find time in your days Im sure I could find some “jobs” for you to help me w/ around here…..although contact w/ mini humanoids is not avoidable. :) love you cousin, you are awesome.

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