Day 8- Gay Marriage, Feeling Sexy & Tiny Naked Penises

Let’s just say that today was a calorie overload. Also a verbal smack down from my doctor. Apparently my diet is shit.

Apparently one is not to live on tylenol, canned tuna and wine.

I had labs done and they were all over the place. Cool, one more point for failure face.

That was pretty snarky, but today was actually a pretty good day although I didn’t get everything I needed to do done. I met with my doctor, went to the bank twice, picked up my paycheck from my first job, went to the library, went to the store to get my mother in law’s birthday present, met up with my sister, went out to dinner from my mother in law’s birthday, went to Barnes and Nobles, read more books… wrote this blog. I am feeling frisky because I managed to get stuff done, even though I totally skipped out on gardening for my aunt.

I loved going to the library today; one of my favorite things to do is to find books in our catalog and then wander through the stacks and pull them out. I’m not sure why this activity is so thrilling to me, but I love it. I also go overboard, I have way more than I can read in the next 30 days, which is the lending period. I just can’t help myself once I start. It’s a sickness.

It also made me think about getting my Masters in Library Sciences when I finally get my bachelors. I worked at the library for all 4 out of 5 years that I went to college, just taking one year off to go to Germany. It was sometimes a very frustrating job, but it was rewarding and I loved my bosses and my freedom. Plus, I was actually good at it. Being good at shit makes me feel like the shit. I need a superiority complex, please. My bosses were also very happy to see me, as well as the other library staff. It just felt like a home away from home. Libraries always feel that way to me. KEEPDEMAHLIVE!

I also got to stuff myself full of pizza at no cost to me, which is my favorite food group. There is a reason why I am so fond of TMNT. I also tried this pin-up porter, which was fairly delicious. Also, the label was feeling sexy.

My trip to Barnes and Nobles was even better too. Usually Barnes and Nobles turns me off because I feel like they outrageously mark up their books and their children’s section is way too big; also there was not any serious academic literature on vikings, which is my new curiosity. However, today there was a sale for 2 for $30 hardback, leather bound, special edition books. The decision between which books to get was painful. There was Neil Gaiman, the Complete Works of Shakespeare, Collected works of Bradbury, Collected American Short Stories, Wicked, Alice in Wonderland, Collected works of Edgar Allen Poe, H.P Lovecraft, etc.

This is completely unfair, book pornography.

They had sexy, shiny pages. Just sitting there all ready to be unwrapped, shimmering in the light. Smelling sweet and fresh. Perky print and edges. Binding all tight and ready to be thumbed. Gah. It’s more than I could bear.

I ended up getting Arabian Nights and Dune. I only had to pay $10 to because my mother in law paid for the first one. Yeah. She’s pretty much the most awesome person. Her birthday and she got me a new book. I would have protested, but I my lady book boner was pleading to touch their soft and ready pages.

Incidentally, if you ever find yourself in a book store, or perhaps some random grocery store that happens to sell romance novels, you should spend a little time acquainting yourself with their throbbing passages. All you need is a group of your most special friends- you all pick out whatever novel seems the absolute smuttiest/terribly written/remarkably clothing free, and open up to a random passage. Read aloud. Read with vocal inflections. Whoever has the worst content wins! And yes, you are welcome.

We usually play it tournament style. Choose your heathen Fabio covers well, and good luck.

Anyway, besides possibly having wet dreams about my haul from Barnes and Nobles, I am happy to report that I did get some reading done on my banned book list and that is where I got such an illustrious title for this blog update.

They are all children’s books; and as I am starting to realize, a great deal of those 100 banned books are intended for at least an adolescent audience. Judy Blume is on there 3 times. 3! Good grief. Heaven forbid your child develop and be satiated with their intellectual curiosity.


The first one is “King and King,” by Unda de Haan and Stern Nijland. Is it me or do those names seem a little… Dutch?

Not very difficult to diagnose why this book is controversial. A prince marries another prince. He doesn’t pray the gay away. The country doesn’t fall into despair over the gayness. Um, basically the only thing that happens is that the queen gets to take some time off and everyone lives happily ever after. Magical, really. Imagine that. People can be gay, and the biggest consequence is some dude on dude lip action illustration.

Maybe people were upset about the female minister who married prince and prince. Or the guy sitting in the pews who has a mohawk? In that case, I think it’s merely just an illustration issue. Can’t imagine any other reason… Yeah.

Okay, so next book before I offend peoples’ religious fancies.

Second book was “It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie H. Harris and illustrated by Michael Emberley.

Let’s just say that the book is very informative, but definitely geared for a younger audience. As an adult reading this, I was exceptionally bored. Excepting the picture of a girl bent over with mirror between her legs. That was kind of hilarious. Everyday activity for us ladies don’tchaknow.

Because it’s geared to teenie-tweenie age bracket and not adult, and has pictures and descriptions as to how the sexing occurs between male and female, male and male, female and female; it’s not really difficult to see why parents get their knickers in a twist. There’s even mention of abortion! Le Gasp!

I’m sorry, I’m having a really hard time taking this seriously. There was nothing harassing or disgusting in this book. It was “perfectly normal.” It did not advocate licentious activity, but just gave the facts in a way that some underdeveloped person (ie: child) would understand how their body works and how to take care of it. Not sure why that is a bad thing, except for the cartoons of the seamen fertilizing the egg. That was pretty horrific. No! Don’t Procreeaaaaaate! It’s my nightmare, that pesky procreation. Also they describe birth control as “protection” against having a baby. I find it hilarious that it has come down to warfare now.

A worthy foe.

Also there is a picture of cartoon seamen squirting out of a cartoon penis. The seamen have speech bubbles like, “Woa,” “yeah,” and “yikes.” It’s a shocking tell all memoir I tell you. They even talk about tampons  and menstruation. Ugh. Can you just imagine?

Yeah, I can’t be serious about this. With all the technology and science out there, I just don’t think any kid should be in the dark about how things work. I have to regard any opinion to the contrary as silly. Telling a kid how sex works isn’t going to make them into raging erotomaniacs. Also if you make it awkward for them to talk about it at an early age, how will they ever talk about it when ravaged by “feeling sexy” hormones?

This book describes sexual attraction, masturbation and genital rubbing as “feeling sexy.” If only that worked in real life.

“Are you whacking it?”

“I prefer the phrase, ‘feeling sexy,’ thank you.”

Maybe we can just call this “The illustrated manual of cartoon boobs and scrotums, pornography free, just for kids book!”

My official review of this book, is that it probably needs to be updated, since it came out in the 90’s. Other than that, I just feel annoyed that I had to read the whole thing. Psh. Staying healthy and responsible choices. (Which there is a full chapter on) Pulease.

Okay then, new subject.

Third and final book is “The Night Kitchen,” by Maurice Sendak. And maybe my brain is off, but I’m not exactly sure why this book is banned. There is nothing in the story itself that is weird or unconventional except that this kid falls out of his clothes and into cake batter. Then bakers try to make him into cake for the morning, but of course he’s not milk so he…

Yeah, you know what? The only reason why I think this could be banned is because the illustration shows a little boy’s tiny, naked penis a couple different times. I’m over cartoon penises at this point. At any rate, I didn’t feel like this book was particularly memorable, just kind of random. I’m sure it has its appeal to tadpole brains. (Ie: children)

I think I’m probably not the right person to review children’s books.

I did have an idea for my children’s book, however. It was actually a couple days ago, but I wanted to sit and stew on it for a few days. I actually haven’t had a whole lot of time to think about it though. We’ll see how that goes. Hooray for inspiration.

Anyway, since I am stack-full and filled with banned books from the library, I should start reading on any number of things tomorrow. Here’s hoping taking care of my grandma and working my second job doesn’t knock me out.


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